SAD

So I am sure many of you know that I suffer from SAD, aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've been diagnosed since I was about 8 years old and have been medicated basically all my life. For those of you who I hadn't told, you might have been able to figure out from my extreme depression that occurs during the end of fall and winter. Basically it's been a long winter of depression, negative self confidence, crying, anger, lack of sleep, weight gain, and tons of other bad things. The only thing that really makes me feel good in winter is snow/ice because its pretty, fun to play and sled in, and you can make snowmen and snowangels and forts and stuff.

Well this past week has been amazing in Saint Louis. It's been warm and sunny and beautiful outside, except for this weekend when it rained a lot. Anyway, I woke up last week each morning to birds chirping, and although I was a bit annoyed at being woken up at the crack of dawn, it made me so happy. Around this time I start to get filled with such an enormous feeling of happiness. I don't know if I can really explain it for anyone who hasn't experience serious depression, but I feel like I'm dead all over. Or I feel like I want to die nearly everyday. When spring starts to come around I feel like I'm back alive again. Like I can look in the mirror and notice that my hair looks pretty or I have nice legs and stuff instead of hiding from mirrors.

Well, this winter has been particularly hard on me because I left all my friends at Truman and I miss them like crazy. Plus I have been having a really hard time adjusting at SLU. Plus I am over 18 now so I don't really have a doctor anymore so I was still taking my normal doses of depression medicine (I take small doses in spring and summer and halfway through fall I start to take heavier doses).

Anyway, I was just feeling in such an amazing mood that I wanted to post this to everyone. I also dyed my hair, don't worry its not permanent. When I dyed it I noticed a pretty big difference but it does look similar to how it did before and no one has noticed I dyed it yet so I'm not sure if it is even worth it to take pictures for everyone or not. I was disappointed because I wanted to see how I would look as a brunette but it turned out dirty blonde so as soon as it washes out I'm going to try again with a darker color.

I hope everyone feels as good as I do right now. When people are coming back to Saint Louis for break call me please cause I want to see you all!

Durrrty South!

I'm going to New Orleans for spring break with Mike and his friends from Tulsa! This just happened this weekend; we hadn't planned on seeing each other until the summer. But he offered to help me pay for the trip, so I pretty much just have to pay for the $250 round trip plane ticket, which is a pretty sweet deal. Now I'll get to be with him on Steak and a Blow Job Day, which is pretty exciting for him. Cause he really likes steak. A lot. We're staying in this hotel that looks really nice, has a pool, and is just one block from Bourbon Street. And he has two friends over 21, so I guess you know what that means. I'm a little nervous, though, cause I've never drank with him before. I think I'm a fairly un-obnoxious drunk, though. Actually, at the American College Theatre Festival, I was proclaimed by my fellow theatre friends to be in the running for funniest drunk ever. So.....ANYWAY. I'm very excited. Only two weeks away! Plus next weekend I get to go home for a wedding, so, woot.

Labels, wtf.

remember the rollerblades?

whooo!!!!! i know ya'll have been amissin' my drunken posts---george and i call it drunk blogging. ahh la la. well, look, i have nothing to say right now. nope. so bye.

So I'm The Only One Posting...

This is hilarious. Watch it.

Weird

So no one has posted in a while so I think I will post about some weird things that have been happening. Well only one weird thing. It's weird how I had that dream (remember I posted about it and Bridge To Terabithia) and in my dream I was staring at Tom and I had this feeling like we would never be together again. Weird because me and Tom broke up and I have that exact same feeling. It's weird that I would have that dream like a week before we broke up.

And I know there are people saying "Oh they always break up and get back together." Like that's definately the case, but whenever that would happen in the past it was because we had gotten into a really big fight. This time its seriously over. Not to say we won't ever get back together, but if we do it will be months in the future. Anyway, I know that people always find ways to connect random events and coincidences and make them seem special. Maybe thats what I am doing now, or maybe I'm a psychic who can see into the future. Probably the latter.

What's sketchier than a Fetish ball?

Chains of Love, of course. Someone suggests two people, and if they both agree (without knowing who), they get handcuffed together for the evening. Fun, sketchy times all around. This year was fun and not awkward, though, because I was just chained to one of my best friends. Last year... another story.

This changing of Blogger confused me a good deal. At least now I understand why my name wasn't on the list of users on the side. New format and all. What a pain.

Ah; another exciting tidbit. I'm going to be in a musical about sex! Thrilling. It's called Hello Again, and contains 10 scenes of sex of some sort; in each, one person is satisfied and the other is left in a lurch. I play the young wife who has an affair with a college student (in a movie theater) and is in a boring marriage to a closeted gay man. So in the second of my scenes, I sing a song fantasizing about what might have been while I dance with my mirror image, the whore. I'm excited because this is like nothing I've done before and if nothing else, it will be a lot of fun.

Yours,

Tom Found This And Posted It On Conglomoblog, But For Those Of You Who Don't Read Conglomoblog (Everyone) Here It Is Again

The market, flea market...

Fat chicken part 2. Fat chicken does south beach diet.

Okay, my apologies for the previous post. I haven't been sleeping well, so my doctor prescribed me sleeping medication, which basically makes me drunk. As for Mardi Gras, I hope to see you guys down at Soulard for the parade! I won't be able to hang out with anyone because we'll be in a hotel...I don'tnormally get to see two of my friends cuz they don't go to Mizzou anymore, so I'm really looking forward to hanging out with them. I'm not trying to ignore anyone, it's just that it'll be a ton of people from Mizzou and then my crowd from back home....and it seems like some groups just don't mix. I don't know. I'm not even going to see my parents- and if any of you know me at all, you will understand how big that is. If I don't see Susan and Dave, I don't see anyone. I'll be in town the weekend of March 9th, so you better clear your calendars so we can hang out then. That way I can be selfish and have you all to myself. Sorry if I pissed anyone off...

P.S. If it makes anyone feel better, I bought $45 worth of salon shampoo and conditioner and it gave me dandruff and made me break out on my forehead hardcore. I can't breathe, and the entire area between my upper lips and nose are bright red from going through a box of kleenex in the past week. Plus I have an awful cough and I basically just wanna curl up under the covers and sleep for 3 days. You have permission to knock at my door, and if I don't answer, leave a plate of food and orange juice outside.

So there was this big chicken. she was fat.how unfortunate

Okay. There are things we need to talk about.

1. Yes I am coming down this weekend for Mardi Gras. There are some problems.
2. I am coming down with a bunch of friends from Mizzou.

some groups don't mix. we're weird fuckers and we revel in our fuckedupness!

Originally i thought i'd be seeing some STL bitchasses, but the more I look at it realize that it's not gonna work out. We can't have too mcuh drama, right? you sell that excess on the streats

What I'm saying that it's unlikely that i'll be able to see anyone at all! Hopefully we can see eachother at the parade. The Mizzou crowd rented a hotel out by the airport so we can jsut take tthe metrolink downtown. i think that introducing new people would agitate some of the guys.


blah blah blah, come kid's let's finish this up,


Keegan (+8/12) will be coming home for Mardi Gras with 10 or so people. we're getting a hotel out by the airport so we can take the metrolink downtown to soulard.

I won't even see my parents on this trip. And originally I was going to say you guys could come out to the hotel and chill with us, but that would be a bad idea. Qho's going to Soulard for the parade!!!!

Snow!

Two snow days in a row is amazing. Its like the weekend in the middle of the week. FANTASTIC!!!
So weather in cinci has been really bad recently - we had snow from last week, and then 2 more inches decided to fall, and then it decided to sleet/rain. Yesterday was miserable - it was cold and really really wet. Then it got colder and it all froze, so they called off school again.
Its still snowing, so we shall see what happens, but I kinda doubt that we will have three days in a row. *cross my fingers and turn my pajamas inside out* (supposedly that makes you have a snow day. i dunno, a friend of mine was running around in inside out pajamas last night, even though we already knew school was cancelled. I was laughing at him. Good times.
I don't really know what the point of this whole post was, except to brag that we had two snow days.... gonna go play in the snow, or maybe not cause it is really hard since its covered in ice (as some other friends of mine found out when they decided to go sledding last night without shirts on... they came back with their arms all cut up). So sledding is out...
ok this is rambling way too much.
love you guys!

i move all the way back here to work at this "great" job and they are already hiring for my position...

...it's a damn good thing they promoted me first...

hehe...so i get back to work and all this jazz...in case any of you weren't aware i am...no...was... a cashier at Gateway Harley Davidson... pretty much the perfect job for a 19 year old that rides a motorcycle and likes biker boys...and leather...and chrome... i basically cashiered people out, stocked motorclothes, cleaned shit, folded tshirts, polished silver, helped out in a technology crisis, typical minimum wage bullshit...and i loved every second of it...it's definitely not your average place of business...it's classier than a department store and it smells like exhaust, oil and gas...its expensive as shit and cleaner than anything...the uniform consists of jeans and a harley shirt...there's some kind of old school rock playing in the background all of the time...slightly reminiscent of some guitar hero II song...(or in today's case...all elvis all day)...people are ridiculously friendly...customers range from 420 lb hulks of men named jody who have biceps bigger than my thighs (22 inches...we measured) to 90 lb feisty lesbians named terry who are meaner and way scarier than jody....i pretty much love it...so in the last month or so they have been switching things up...i got a new manager and a lot of people were unhappy about how she began to run things so some people quit...one of which was this girl named kara...i ended up taking her place as of today as a motorclothes associate...and i'm way freakin excited...basically now i try to convince people that they need everything in the store and a lot of things we can only order...my job is to: invoke an emotional desire in the customer's heart which causes them to spend ridiculous amounts of money on licensed product which only costs so much because there is a giant H-D logo slapped on the side of it because, well let's face it..."an emotional customer is a buying customer"...i love it...that's verbatim out of the employee handbook...hehe...the promotion basically comes with a commission check once a month, a cubby, and a box of business cards and yet it seems like so much more...hehe...

they are in the process of hiring for a new cashier and so we have had numerous people come in and fill out applications...and it has surprisingly been a slap in the ass to me...i'll explain: most of my coworkers have been doing this same job for quite some time...although they like doing it they aren't really passionate about it...who can blame them tho? you can only fold tshirts and tuck zippers everyday for so many years before the novelty starts to wear off.. they all either graduated high school or got their ged....a few went to community colleges but dropped out saying they'll go back but never do saying it's not their thing...they all have husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends or a few of each and then you throw in some kids, a dog, and a mortgage and that's their life...they might get their shot at manager but chances are that this is the job they will retire from...and they have ALL been predicting the same life for me...

hell no. that is what i say to them...hell no....i'm entry level...THIS is entry level..fuck this shit...its way cool and all for a 19 year old who wants to take a semester off...and that's why i can see it might be appealing to keep going with it...but hell no...and i realized today how strongly i feel about this...the slap in the ass came...all these people are bringing in applications...they all have some high school on their app and most of them have some feeble attempt at referencing a "real college" but so very few of them are actually able to check mark that box next to "graduate?" yes...and they are hoping against hope that they can get this job as a cashier...something i've already surpassed by the age of 19...something i never intend on doing again without the hope of moving up and out...fuck that...

and so i was motivated...i arranged a meeting with an advisor at SLU this week and Webster next week...fuck being poor and stupid and a member of a disposable work force....fuck it up it's ass...i wanna be rich and afford my chrome...and smart enough to print tabs for the dividers of a binder on Microsoft Word....and dikey enough to be able to say that i put my own cams in my bike and shit-yea i even know what cams are...and yet girly enough to flirt with all the unbelievably cool biker people...straight and lesbian alike, damn it....

i like not being a dumbass and i like having graduated from a school that actually taught me not to settle for a minimum wage bullshit job...

so yay! anyone want a business card?

Bridge To Terabithia and Sad Dreams

So I wanted to start this post by talking about probably my all time favorite book, Bridge To Terabithia. It is like a fourth or fifth grade level book, but I love it so much. I have read it so many times even though I can read it in one sitting, it is still my favorite book because I've loved it for so long. Well as soon as I heard they were making it a movie I was so excited! I couldn't wait to see it. Then I saw the trailers for it and I was disappointed. The movie looks like a fairy tale, the book is nothing like that at all. The book is the story of a little boy and a little girl. I'm still going to see the movie, but I just wanted to express my disappointment.

Ok on to the second part of my post. I had the worst nightmare ever last night. I woke up this morning crying for a long time and even though its nighttime I still have a headache from crying so much. It's really hard to explain some of it, so I will give you guys the shortened version. Basically in my dream SLU was a kingdom, and there were tons of villagers. It started with the villagers having to work all the time and people disappearing and no one having any rights. It sucked, but only got worse. I can't explain a lot of what happened next because I can't think of the right words, but basically me, Tom, and this other little girl got captured and were sentenced to be hanged. They asked who wanted to go first, and I said I did because I knew I wouldn't be able to bear watching Tom die.

The noose wasn't like a normal one. You know how in hangings people would tie the noose around their neck and then drop and hang above the ground? Well this was different. I was standing on a plankish think (like a plank off the side of a pirate's ship) and there was water underneath me. The noose was like electrical or something and slowly tightened itself around your neck tighter and tighter until you died. I was on the plank staring at Tom and crying. I felt the noose getting tighter and tighter and I was starting to feel the circulation getting cut off. In my dream I could see through my own eyes and was staring at Tom thinking that I was actually going to die and I would never get to grow old with Tom and I would never get to have a family with him or have kids and how I had to die so young and I just love Tom so much. Then as the noose was getting tighter and tighter I could feel myself starting to die and the whole time I was just staring straight at Tom. And then I started getting really upset because I was scared there would be no after life and that those last seconds of staring at Tom was the last time I would ever be able to see him again.

Actually retelling the story now is making me emotional because the dream was so real and the emotions I felt were so real. The weird thing is that I have had such a pounding headache all day. The dream just really shook me up a lot.

biggie smalls just got shot

um, yea the title is the lyrics of this song that i'm listening to with my friend matt hammil and i am drunk a lunki. again. of course. you were all waiting for this, of course. maybe. but i'm not saying your lives revolve around me. george and i were supposed to write this together. but he's driving home right now, listening to RENT. ahhh rent. and people. whoa basketball! sorry, oit's on TV. man, ladies, boys are nice. how nice? not all that nice. but pretty nice. pretty damn nice. except when they're not nice. god i love lipgloss. george and i played darts, and we are worried that andrew's fraternity thinks we are dating. but that's okay. it's okay okay. time for food. oh yea, and i threw an egg off a balcony and hit a lexus. whoops. biggie smalls! green and lean!

am i god?

so i got maybe five hours of not very good sleep. i had a freaky dream and woke up incredibly hot, because my room is menopausal and gets super super hot, even if the heat is on low. and then i woke up, turned off my alarm, and managed to not fall back asleep and miss my test. it's a miracle. and even though i woke up with a massive hangover (of course, the morning i don't need one (although, really, who ever "needs" one?), it happens, even though all the other times i've gotten drunk this semester i haven't had one), but i still managed to basically ace my sociology test. i hope. i'd better not jinx it. but this is the lesson i will pass on to my children--always get krunk a lunk before your tests, and you'll be fine!
okay, i promise i won't do that, friends. and miryam is awesome!

for Andrew.

so i'm pretty drunk. pretty krunk a lunk (yea laura! man i wish you were able to come tonight) and i have a test at 8 am and it is now....1:23 am. yup a lup. ypu. so there. i'm gonna go check on my crunchy horns, or whatever they're called. they're basically tator tots, but they have some fancy name. well, it's not fancy, just different. so anyways, i hope ya'll are doing well. i'm only alright, as in "just a little bit well," and if any of you are doing better than that, then you're in a good place and i hope you realize it. lata gators!

snow

hey guys! Whats shakin? It snowed here yesterday!! Woo hoo, not really. Yesterday it was pretty and fun and all that but today it sucks. It snowed about 6 inches, which is really fun to play in (except none of my roommates would play with me, something about homework....). I was bored out of my mind last night because I didn't have any more homework to do (correction - I could have worked on my art projects, but the one required me to go to the art store, and the highways were a mess, so I ruled out that option. The other project required me to take a 20 minute walk at night in the snow. I opted out of doing that too. It will bite me in the ass this weekend, i know.) So I sat around in my apartment, bothering my roommates and staring outside at the people sledding down the hill outside my apartment. Then I went to bed, dreaming of a snow day.
And I woke up this morning to Cait, my roommate (I know, Cait and Katie living in the same room, cute and quite annoying for everyone else. haha) anyways, I woke up to her calling the weather hotline and cursing about the fact that we still have school. fuck. So I get up and realize I have 10 minutes to get ready and either take the 20 minute hike to the art building or dig my car out of the snow. I decide to attempt digging my car out. key word - attempt. I can't even get the door to open. After much pulling, Cait gets the door open. Then I realize that the windshield is covered in ice and I don't have time to scrape all of it off and still get to class in time. Also, I was rather plowed in. For those of you who don't remember, I have a little chevy cavalier. Cute little thing. But, I was a little worried about it getting out of the parking spot seeing as how there was about a foot of snow on every side (damn snow plows). So I gave up on the rescue effort and walk. It is now 815, and class starts at 830. I trudge across campus on the slightly cleared paths (which, although it is nice to not have to stick your foot in 6 inches of snow, it is very slippery) and finally make it to the art building by 835. I walk into my classroom and its dark. There is one other kid in there. Class was cancelled. She emailed us that morning. I didn't check my email because she is one of those teachers that is like "I will never cancel class, blah blah blah". Poo. After all that, I almost would have rather had class. So, I turned right back around and trudged my way back. By the time I got back to my apartment, my face was frozen (I even stopped in a building about halfway back to warm up).
Summary: Blech. Snow sucks the day after it falls, unless you don't have school.

This new layout sucks at life.

PS. I just thought you should know that. And I'm sick again...lost my voice. I feel like a transvestite. The end.

wheeeee

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the end.

oh. my. GOD.

i should not be allowed near a computer when i've consumed alchohol.

whoooeee! i got drunk at a really cozy bar!!!

its coming!!!

the 7th and final harry potter book finally has a release date: july 21. holy moly!!! dont really know what else to say... too excited :)