Marker Splotches

Ramblings of the markers

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

So I'm sitting at work, doing nothing in particular. I just decided to peak at Marker Splotches, to see if anyone still faithfully writes messages. I have always sucked at this sort of thing. Several of you know that about me--I'm pretty bad at corresponding, at keeping in touch with people. It's not that I don't care or that I've forgotten anyone. The truth is that sometimes I really don't feel like talking on the phone or sitting at the computer messaging with people. It just feels like such a drain of energy. I guess I am lazy. Phil (my boyfriend for over 2.5 years, gah! More commentary on that, shortly) finds it strange the way that I am with friends. He knows that every once in a while I purposely avoid answering the phone if I don't feel like talking, and then I feel terrible about it later (although I have to say, I've gotten better about this. If I don't feel like chatting for long, I'll answer to say hi, and then call again later) I worry that people feel neglected, that I don't do enough to earn continued friendship. I worry that people feel I've jilted them, so I must not be worth the effort to be friends with. Cause I imagine it sucks to be on the side of a friendship where you are constantly giving, where you make all the effort. I really appreciate my friends who know me, accept me, and are always willing to pick back up where we left off, even if it feels like it's been a lifetime. Sometimes it can be hard, because we have changed independently of each other. But when you really know the core of someone, the trimmings don't really matter. Basically, thanks for the patience.

That said, I guess I'd like to post an update too.

I work at a place called the Deutsches Haus, which sounds really cool because I can refer to it as a "German language and cultural institute, with lectures and film and gallery openings" blah blah blah, but I just work at the front desk. It's basically 30 hours a week of reception and office work, if anything. But you know, I do like it a lot, because I am constantly surrounded by native German speakers, so it feels like practice. My spoken German kind of sucks now, but I can eavesdrop really well, and all the office drama is fun. Other than two male teachers, the entire faculty and administrative staff just happens to be female. So I have a great time talking to my bosses about boyfriends and family, and we all share a great love for chocolate. Heh, maybe it just reminds me of my all-girl days at Nerinx. I feel like part of a cool clique.

I have also earned a bit of money working for one of my linguistics professors. Basically, I was told I could earn $16/hour up to a maximum of $1000 for doing database work, and that I would work from home or any computer I chose. Now that is a pretty awesome arrangement, but imagine how hard it is sit yourself down at a computer to rewrite a database about grammar, when your latest Netflix, a good novel, and your boyfriend are all waiting to be enjoyed. It's kinda tough. So I have come to terms with the fact that I finished about half of the grant money, and that's the best I can do for now.

As far as living situations go, I'd say I have it pretty good. I live at the corner of 13th St. and Avenue B, in the East Village, over an over-priced but tasty coffee shop, in a three-bedroom apartment with only a minor roach problem (don't worry, if you ever want to visit, the bugs are under control for now :). My two friends and I have a year-long lease that's up after graduation, at the end of May. One of the girls, Ryan, was my roommate freshman and sophomore year. For Junior year, she was abroad in the fall, and I went away in the Spring, so when she moves in this month, it will be the first time I have seen her in year. She is a music business major, a pretty wicked bassist, only 5 ft. tall, and really quite funny. She is subletting to our friend Kat for the summer. My other full-time roomie is Becca, who Ryan actually knew from high school and introduced to me freshman year. She's so relaxed and great to talk to about everything from 80's films and indie music to middle eastern politics. We get along well.

So Phil and I have been together since January of freshman year, with a few minor hiccups along the way. And by minor hiccups, I mean that I have broken up with him a couple times, much to his dismay, which I apparently shared, because we have always gotten back together. The latest break-up, or as we called it at the time, our "break," happened during the spring semester while we were both abroad. He was studying in Florence, Italy, and I was in Cairo, Egypt. We were only a couple time zones apart, but the distance often felt impassable. It was funny, because we had always concluded that Phil had more of a problem with long distance than I did. He had always been anxious at the prospect of being apart, because with the physical distance, even if you really care about each other, it's not like you can just go on dates and have a normal relationship. As it turns out, though, I was the one freaked out and decided I couldn't deal with it. I felt so torn, wanting to expend all my energy exploring and coping with life in Cairo with all my new friends there, while desperately wanting to seek out Phil and feel something secure and comforting. There was drama, involving me dating another guy and Phil sneaking a peak at some of my personal stuff (heh, I can make it sound so scandalous). But the conclusion has always been that I feel happy when I'm with Phil, and when I'm not I miss him. We always have things to work on: making sure we spend enough time with other friends (whether we share them mutually or have our own groups), satisfying our own personal interests and goals, coming up with fun new things to do together, having better sex ;)...I always have lots of insecurities (heh, I have commitment issues), because it freaks me out to have been with someone for so long. But at the same time, it would be foolish to call it quits just on that principle. I can still be a independent person and be in a relationship.

Blah, you might notice that I can ramble on about that forever. I can. And I'm almost done. But I just wanted to say that Phil gave me this pretty little necklace for Christmas a couple years ago, and I used to wear it all the time, and we both really liked it. And then I lost it, and I was super bummed, and I think Phil was pretty disappointed. Well last week, I found it in an old bag of mind, and I have it now while I sit at work...Sorry, that story feels so cheesy. But I was glad to have it back, whether or not fate was dropping less than subtle hints. Plus, it matches my shirt nicely :)

In terms of friends, I miss everyone from St. Louis. When I got back from Egypt, I was only able to spend 10 days at home. It was amazing to see Carolyn and Sarah and Dave and Clayton and Nick. Plus, it was kind of fun to sample the nightlife, since we were all 21. It may not be much, and it may not be open late, but it was fun. Besides, when all else fails, East Saint Louis is certainly open late. That's right, I went to my first strip club. I had no idea the girls would be so hands-on...! Anyway, the conclusion is, I miss you guys a lot. I feel a certain comfort and ease with you guys that can be hard to come by. It seems a shame, I actually made some amazing new friends in Egypt. I think that the foreign, whirlwind situation acted like a catalyst to make us fast friends. They are definitely some of the best friends I've made at college, and they all go to other schools.

Well, I have plenty more fuel and could theoretically keep typing for quite some time. But I am going to use the excuse that technically, I am at work, so I should get back. (Actually, I'm just going to read a novel for a bit, but eventually I may have some actual work to do...)

Big big hugs to all of you. Like, the Carolyn-knocks-you-over, Dave-stands-solemnly, Amanda-feels-you-up, Katie-wiggles kind of hug. <3


Blogger etepetete said...

ok, so i just randomly checked this and angela - you are adorable.

9:26 PM  

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