Feminists

I know I have been posting a lot recently, and for that I apologize. But no one else has been posting and I have a few things I need to rant about, so I am going to post again.

I climbed in to bed at about 1 o'clock. I have been laying in bed for over an hour and a half unable to fall asleep because I have been thinking about things. The thing I have not been able to stop thinking about lately is feminists. I know that I was always the person who cracked a joke about feminists and when we played that game (I think it was called True Colors but I'm not sure) that Jacquelyn brought to spring break at the Ozarks, everyone voted me as the person who "secretly thinks women are the weaker sex". That was me, but I realized how much I have really changed during my hour and a half of nonsleep.

Women have had to fight so hard to get where we are today and I just feel bad because I have always taken this for granted. When I started hanging out with some guys at SLU who lived by Tom and some of my experiences at Truman made me realize there is a lot of sexism today. For instance, guys tend to assume that I am bad at video games because I am a girl. And my sister Michelle who is very athletic always complains because guys make fun of her and say she is not good at sports because she is a girl. I know these are really small examples, but they still piss me off. I can be just as good as any guy at video games even though I'm a girl and Michelle can (and has) kick many guys asses in soccer. At Truman I even experienced people who felt women were not as smart as men and that was obvious through comments they made during conversations and such. I think I am starting to realize there is a lot of work to be done because a lot of people still consider males to be superior even at the smaller things like video games and sports, and even other small things.

But, I've also been thinking a lot about pressures. Since I have come to college, especially at SLU, I have felt so much pressure to look good. It's like I won't be accepted or people will blow me off if I'm not dressed in expensive clothes or a size zero with perfect hair and makeup and nails. Everytime I turn on the TV all I see are shows where guys are using women and treating them like sex objects.

I feel like I'm starting to just fall apart under the pressure. When I have tried to talk to other people about this before (usually guys, I don't have many close female friends that I feel comfortable talking about this with because they are all so pretty and skinny) they always say there is no pressure and that I should just be myself. Well those guys just don't understand what its like to go to a club and guys are all over all your friends but not you, or to walk through the mall and your friends get hit on but you get ignored. I feel like since guys are mostly the ones to approach girls, guys won't understand the pressure women feel when they are the only ones who never get approached.

I know I've always had really low self-confidence, but like its at an all time low now because I feel like nearly everyone at SLU is SOOOO superficial. I can't make any friends by just being myself and I don't have the money and I'm not skinny enough to look and dress the way all the other girls look and dress. I wouldn't want to change myself for them anyway. Even when I have early classes and I leave in my pajamas with my hair a mess, I look at all the other girls walking around with their hair and outfits looking perfect. It's almost like none of the girls take a break from trying to look perfect. Even when they are dressed in their sweats they are still like expensive sweats from Hollister and they still have their hair fixed and makeup on and still look cute.

I just wish I would stop feeling so pressured to look good and I wish I could just once look at myself and not have to think about all the things I need to change in order to fit in and make friends. Sorry this post turned sorta depressing at the end but thats just how I'm feeling now.