Really fucking long. Just warning you. But it's worth it. I'll give you a hint: It involves my weekend with Jones and his friend at Mizzou.

The weekend of Homecoming at Mizzou is always nuts. It doesn't help that we're doing really well with football this year- we were 6-1 at the time (we lost the game this weekend.) Anyway, Jones and his friend Dane down to visit. Here is the recounting of my weekend with them.

FRIDAY: Jones and Dane got kinda lost, and didn’t get here til 9 or so. They brought a ton of alcohol, it was nuts. Mike Keeline also came up and bothered me for a bit, but I had my friend Michelle call me (from Scotland) and pretend she was having a breakdown so he would leave me alone. Stu said I was too nice to the kid- maybe I’ll just have to tell him to leave next time. Anyway, Dane, Jones and I met up with Catherine, Camila and Catherine’s sister, Caroline who was in from out of town. We went downtown to go the Heidelburg, but that was jam-packed and I’m pretty sure they would’ve been carding. So we went to Sparky’s where you can get milkshakes with liquor in them. Then we went home to South(my dorm) and drank with the girls in my room. That was okay, but just kinda boring. Then we went over to Laws (the dorm where I work and where the majority of my friends live, including the boy) to meet Brian and the boys, who definitely did not like Dane and Jones. This is partly becuase Brian was uncomfortable with the whole situation, and told his friends that, so his friends weren't as friendly as they could've been. And since they weren't all sunshine and unicorns right off the bat, Jones took an instant dislike to them and was a complete dick to them the rest of the night. Brian and I disappeared for over an hour (no we were not fooling around, we were just talking), but I didn’t realize we were gone that long- Jones was pissed. Dane’s a big guy and was tearing the shit out of everything outside of Laws. He picked up a bike and threw it at the rest of the bikes at the rack. It was a total King Kong move, over the head throw and everything. Then we went back to my room and passed out. Jones and I fought about who would take the futon vs. the floor and he ended up winning, so he slept on the floor.

SATURDAY: Then we woke up and we were supposed to go tailgate with Brian and his parents, but Jones took too long in the shower and I was afraid he’d get pissed if I left him to his own devices for too long. So we end up walking over to the stadium 10 minutes before the game started, and it was cold and rainy. Not good, especially since Jones and I had straightened our hair. Then the boys find out they can’t bring drinks into the stadium, nor can they buy liquor in the stadium. That pissed them off, and finally Jones just asked if we could go back to my room and drink. Please note we were only at the game for 15 or 20 minutes. Sucked ass. Then just back to my room, drank copious amounts of liquor. Did I mention that I bought 3 tickets at $22 a piece? Yes. Yes I did. Anyway, during the imbibing of liquor, I decide I’m hungry. What else is new? Chinese buffet it is. Yeah doggy. Eat there, come home and we all pass out because hell, Chinese food and liquor? That results in a coma. ( PS I paid for four people at the Chinese place, my friend Kelli came with us. That’s about $40 there).

We all kinda nap and I get up and decide I’m going to go over to Take-Out, which is a place that you can cash in your meal plans at the end of the week and get food with your points; ie. goldfish packets, pop-tarts, juice, Gatorade and the like. I notice Brian is working and his parents are there so I stop and say hi. Nice people, thank god I was sober. Anyway, I get a text message from Dane asking where I am and that they are bored and ready to go out. Right. So I’m looking for something to do, and we’re drinking and finally I find a party but Jones decides he doesn’t feel like driving anywhere. Please note that this entire weekend he was bitching about how Mizzou sucks, there are no parties, people were nicer at Kentucky, blah blah blah. Fuck you sir. Anyway, so I call Brian and convince him to come over.

Oh, please let it be known that Brian wasn’t too happy with the fact that two 23 year old guys were coming down to visit his 19 year old girlfriend, plying her with liquor and sleeping in her room. I digress. So he comes over, apologizes to me for being a dick and overprotective (which he wasn’t being. Jones was the one that was acting like a douche and complaining about how my boyfriend is immature and shit.) Anyway, he’s too weirded out by the situation and says he has to leave. I don’t blame him, Jones was treating him like shit. I ordered pizza for the boys and me, another $30 there. It was inhaled. Oh I forgot, we ran to the liquor store earlier where I paid for a handle of rum, $15 there. So we eat get into more drunken hijinks of breaking shit all over my dorm and then finally pass out. Dane slept in my bed, and Jones was on my futon while my friend Jenn and I were on the floor.

SUNDAY: So. I hear a loud banging on my door and I’m like, shit Jones must’ve forgotten my ID when he went outside for a morning smoke or something. I kinda go back to sleep and try to ignore it. BANG BANG BANG. I figure maybe I should open the door. I go to the door, my eyes all squinty and I see there are 5 people out there. Two of them are girls. Three of them are men. In blue. OH SHIT. There are COPS at my door.

“Are you Keegan Kelley?” Oh fuck.
“Yes sir, I am.”
“Can we come in?”
“Of course, officer. Please come in.”

Turns out there were complaints about Dane and Jones tearing up the campus. They go to my room, where there’s a handle of rum sitting on my desk, ¼ of it gone. There are 25 empty beer cans in my recycling bin and two or three Natty Lite boxes. There was only one beer left in the fridge. The cop makes Dane and Jones sit out in the hallway, and asks me to follow him into my room. Thank god he was nice.

“Wow, you guys certainly drank a lot this weekend.”
“Yes sir, we did.”
“Um, please tell me you’re over 21.”
“I’m sorry, sir, no I’m not.”
“You’re killing me here!”

He was so cool. We were joking and everything. Then I go back out to listen to Dane and Jones get interrogated. Okay. So. Nice cop asks me back in my room.
“Ma’am, there’s nothing illegal in here is there?”
“No sir, not at all.”
“Are you sure? Cuz it smells like dope in here.”

OH SHIT. Are you serious? Are you fucking serious?

“No sir, I swear, there is no pot in here at all. You can do a complete search and you won’t find anything, I swear.”

Then I remembered: Jones got pissed about having to go outside to smoke cuz it was really cold. I shut my door, put blankets at the base of the door and opened my window and we smoked cigarettes out my window. The smoke alarm didn’t go off at all, it was just kinda hazy. Anyway, remembering that I frantically start blabbering to the cop,

“ Sir, we were smoking cigarettes with the window open. It was really cold, and I told Jones that he could smoke out the window if he needed to. I have the beer can we used to put the ashes, if you want to test it. I swear we did not smoke any pot. We drink, we don’t smoke pot at all. Please, do you want the can? You can test the ashes!”

Finally h e told me to calm down, that he believed me. But he did pat down Jones and basically got to 2^nd base with him. At least some of us got action this weekend. But I digress. They cuff Dane, and tell Jones that they’re leaving. Don’t tell him where they’re taking Dane, and Jones was smart enough not to ask again. They didn’t read Dane his Miranda rights, nor did they formally tell him they were taking him to the station. Go Jones. I always knew you were smart. I was expecting the cops to ask me for my ID and charge me with possession of alcohol by a minor, consumption of alcohol by a minor, and having empty containers of alcohol (duh, in the possession of a minor, in case you guys couldn’t figure that out.) Not in trouble at all. The guy just wrote my name down in his cute little notebook and then left. Holy hell. Cops leave me to the mercy of my RA and the hall coordinator, Hilary. Hilary is notorious for following the rules like her life was on the line so I figured I was fucked. I didn’t really know my RA, but she’s kind of a bitch. Nuts. Surprisingly, Hilary was really nice and the only sad thing was that I had to pour out the liquor and empty the leftover beer. My friends were making fun of me,

“ Keegan, does your heart hurt pouring out that beer? Doesn’t it suck that you’re wasting all that liquor? That’s such a bummer!”

So poured out all the liquor, and then had to count the empty beer cans for my RA so she could file it in her report. And since I have no respect for anything, I was holding the plastic handle of rum at my crotch and was pretending to piss in the toilet. I seriously think I have problems. I wasn't freaking out at all, not during or after.

Then took them outside to the trash compactor. That was it. That was seriously it. Now all I have to deal with is my meeting with Hilary to see what my punishment is going to be. Thank god I’m manipulative. Oooh, I also found out Hilary’s from Wisconsin. And yes, I’m totally going to play the northern card. Your ass is mine, bitch! Anywho, that was my weekend.

Total estimated costs: $151, not counting shit I don’t remember paying for. I also will most likely have to take an alcohol responsibility class, which I think costs $70, bringing the total to $221.

Total estimated alcohol consumed (by Jones, Dane and myself): at least 80 beers, three fifths of Captain, and a fourth of a handle of rum.

Lord have mercy.