I should have obeyed my bedtime

THE LONG STORY
I realized today that I have always been extremely lucky in my friendships with males. Not that they don't piss me off sometimes, but in general they are all wonderful, chilvarous gentleman. Unfortunately, it took an uber-jerk up here in Vermont to bring that to light. So here's the story. I shall speak of two males in my story, both on the fire department: Judge (a sophomore) and Sebastian (a senior). Seb has always been the very flirtatious type. Judge is more the silent, unassuming type (sidenote: when I first met him, I thought he was like 30, but not in a strange Vince Gordon way, he's inexplicably good-looking).

Recently, I have received many hints that Judge fancies me. Then, over spring break when we went to the National Fire Academy, Seb was constantly asking me what his chances with me were (I pulled the Dumb and Dumber thing and said "1 in a million", so he still has a chance....you know). Since being back from break, I've hung out a lot at the fire house, and have, at different times, had both boys' arms around me. Then, Monday night while Seb and I were watching tv, he started tickling me. I loathe being tickled, so I started screaching and flung myself to the ground to escape. He picked me up and put me back on the couch and kept his arms around me and kissed my face and my neck.

In my head, I was conflicted between the voices in my head, one saying, "You're fucking horny, he's really cute," and the other saying, "This will break Judge's little heart". He said, "Are you just gonna lie there?" and I replied, "For now, yeah". After a while, at about 1am (even though my bedtime is 11:45pm), he said he was going to leave, so I got up to hug him goodbye and we ended up kissing. Just a small kiss on the lips. He said, "That was nice" and then we did it again.

I immediately felt like shit. Cause I think I like Judge.......I don't know. So I felt like a bitch. BUT. Here comes the part that makes me appreciate my male friends. Sarah (another girl on the fire department) saw me today at dinner and said she'd heard stories about Monday night and asked me what happened. And Judge was right there. Poor guy, I could just see how disheartened he was. He got up to get more food while I told Sarah what happened, and how I felt horrid, and how it was a huuuuge mistake. Then, Sarah told me that Alyssa (an alumnae who has been back running rescue duty) and Seb have been hooking up constantly since spring break. So I was just a piece of ass. I've never felt like that before. I mean, I have felt like guys have found me attractive, and at mixers or whatever I'm certainly not expecting them to want to dance with me cause I have a "great personality". But someone I know well, and thought I was good friends with......I guess I thought I was invincible against the poopy brand of boys. It wouldn't be that bad if Judge wasn't involved. But I hate myself for hurting him, cause he's actually a really good guy. And now I'm afraid that he'll never want to pursue anything with me cause he'll think I'm just the firehouse whore.

IN A NUT SHELL.....
Monday night, I kissed a boy who I thought liked me. Today, I found out he's been fucking another girl the past couple weeks, so he just wanted ass from me. And I'm pissed at myself cause there is a second boy that I actually like more and I'm afraid he now thinks I'm a whore. Woo hoo college drama.