Owl City Street Team

Hey guys, so as you probably mostly know I am super obsessed with Owl City, the band. I've been listening to them for a little over a year now, and just recently went to the concert. IT WAS AMAZING! I've never found music that can bring out so much emotion in me. Anyways, the concert was so amazing I decided to join up Owl City's Street Team to help promote. Just wanted to throw a line out to anyone who is still checking out this blog and let them know about the band, the lead singer Adam Young is amazing! I have such a crush on him!! Hope everyone is well, and if theres any Markers out there in Splotches land, reply!!

The required spring break post....

What break does everyone have? I'll be in STL from March 20-23. I have a math class that I have to be in Columbia for...boo. I know Trumanites are off this week. Anyone else? Oh, Angela, I'll be in New York March 27-29. Plan ahead! Everyone else, start talking.

Here's a treat

As promised, Keegan, here is a video of me acting like a fool. In the form of my acappella group, Con Brio!

Blah.

I have a feeling MarkerSplotches is going to experience a revival. We're all getting ready to graduate again, and travel even farther away than we did 4 years ago. I'll be sure to sound an alert on Facebook as well, I'd like to hear from everyone. This entry's going to be a lot sad, a bit angry and a smidge hopeless. At least you're warned. It's long and emotional, but it's helping me. So thanks in advance for reading it, if you do. Just bear with me.

Brian and I broke up. He brought it up first, I argued, then I agreed, so it became mutual; it was amicable, and we are going to remain friends. We need to see what else is out there, to be sure...I guess to be sure that we want to be with each other. We need to grow up, graduate and be individuals. Be selfish for a while. We also decided not to talk/see each other until after Christmas break. We need the time alone to heal and learn to live without each other. Then we can attempt friendship.

Apparently there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Stage One-Denial: 10 days of crying every day, mostly three times a day. I got lucky if it was once. Can't sleep for more than 4 hours. Take hours to go to sleep. Cry yourself to sleep. Wake up feeling like shit because your eyes are puffy and realize you just don't have the strength to get out of bed, to brush your teeth, let alone to face the day. We broke up exactly 11 days ago; my life started to fall apart with a mistake 14 days ago. That mistake was the platform for the break up. Not the reason, but the platform.

You don't eat because you're so anxiety-ridden that your stomach hurts too much to think about food. You take Pepto-bismal to calm the tornado in your middle. The Pepto falls on an empty stomach, calms it for a few minutes and then starts churning again. Pepto Bismal is not to be used without food. You realize it's been a good 4 days and all you've ingested is your Prozac, slimfast and hot tea. You can't eat solid food because it takes too long to chew- by the time you get one bite down, you're already full and the thought of more food is repulsive. But you don't care, at least your body is feeling a slight amount of pain- it makes the murderous emotional pain semi-bearable. Almost like it's being validated. Now you can see pain.

It has been 5 days since the mistake, 3 days since the break up. I go home to STL to be pampered by my parents. You find that it's necessary to have your security blanket that you've had since you were 8 months old and slept with for 13 years. It provides a bit of comfort, but the tears and ripped seams remind you that it's on it's last leg- just like you. And you wonder, hell if this blanket can't get through any more, how can I?

It is Monday. 8 days since the mistake, 5 since the break up. I go to class. I skip work. I come home. I cry myself to sleep. But at least I went to class. The next day I manage to go to class and work. A friend convinces you to go to the gym, and then to chill in the hot tub. Your swimsuit doesn't fit as well and you realize your hips are jutting out. Apparently when you lose 5 pounds, some people notice. Have a perverse thought: Brian always liked skinny girls, so says his friend Goldstein two years ago. An offhand comment that I never forgot. I know I'm thin. But now I'm thinner. Brian will like me again. Realize you're a basketcase, discard the idea and look forward to your therapist appointment Friday morning. You get to the recreation pool, and see a happy couple kissing and swimming and remember...oh that's right, the last time you were here, you were with Brian, swimming and kissing. Awesome.

Wednesday I get a text message saying he changed his status to single on Facebook. I asked last week if we could wait- I couldn't handle people asking what happened. I get the text message on my way home from work. I reply. Our messages to each other have become impersonal, cold. Which is funny because I know we both think for a few minutes so we can decide exactly what to say. I get home, I have a message on Facebook from him. Saying he changed his status, that it had to happen sometime. Enter a bit of anger. I change mine. I go to sleep.
I make it, hour by hour, til Thursday. I find that I really have been sectioning my life into hours: one hour in class, two hours at work, two hour nap, then one hour homework. It seems more manageable than using days...days seem too long, there's too much room for thought. My roommate reminds me that I have to go out to dinner with her and two other girls. I cringe at the though at social interaction. Why go out and get dressed up if not to show Brian? He always noticed new make up, hair, jewelry. Always smiled when I wore his favorite shirts; we would laugh because we both knew I wore the shirt for him...

Choose clothes that aren't as flattering. Don't do that much work on hair. Go to dinner. It tastes like shit. I've never liked spicy food and I've only been to this restaurant and didn't like it before either. Oh that's right, I was with Brian. We both decided we didn't like it. Realize you're not hungry anymore and you just want to go home. Poke at the food, pretend to eat it, pretend to laugh, pretend to be in the conversation. Get conned into going to a bar. Panic for 30 minutes that Brian will show up. Then I actually have fun. Go next door to a club and dance. Get hit on, immediately get grossed out. Try to get away, but the guy follows and buys me a beer, even though I asked for water. I'm tipsy and dehydrated, I just want water. He wants my name. My name? Kelly O'Hara. And I leave. We get home, and I crash. I don't remember if I fell asleep crying, but I do rememeber my last thought was of Brian. It always is.

Friday, therapist appointment in the morning, then meeting with a teacher to go over a paper and talk to her about personal problems. Ask for advice. Lunch is fine, freshly squeezed orange juice. I guess you can't go wrong there. Walk home, the sun is out. I'm tired, but it's not too cold, and I'm moving. I think of stopping in a store to shop. I look up and there he is. With four other guys. The exchange:

Brian: "Hey Keegan, how's it going?"
Keegan: "Good, how about you?"
Brian: "Good."
Nick: "Hey Keegan."
Keegan: "Hey Nick."

No one stops. We walked towards each other, and then right past. Not a single stride slowed. It was awkward. It was awful. I really just went into shock. Call Sarah, don't know how she can fix it. Call my friend Jess, a mutual friend of Brian and me. She picks me up immediately, and takes me to her house. I sit on the couch, staring into space for 20 minutes. I shut down. I decide to lay down, maybe sleep. I wake up 3 hours later. Go home.

It's Friday night. I should be going out. My roommates point this out. I say I have homework to catch up on, it's finals next week. The roommate that only goes out a few times a semester says that I need to start socializing again. I repeat the homework excuse. They leave to study, I watch tv and go to bed.

Stage Two-Anger: Saturday sucks. Don't go to the mall during the Christmas season, the weekend before finals, on a Saturday, in a small town. There are local kids everywhere and about 400 people in each store. The people walking in the hallways decide it is completely necessary to move at a snail's pace. Obviously. And no one can drive. Thank god I'm just the passenger, otherwise I would have committed vehicular manslaughter the second we entered the parking lot. Go to Walmart, get food. Go home, eat for real. First normal sized meal in almost two weeks. Immediately have a stomachache because my stomach is being stretched back to normal capacity.

This is stupid. Why does something so good have to end? No, we weren't perfect. Yes we fought. But we fought fair, we never called each other names and we always respected each other. We learned from each other. We challenged each other. We were each other's best friends. I'm realizing that I was closer to Brian in the past two years than I was to anyone else. He feels the same about me, we discussed it. For god's sake, we had an hour and a half conversation about how to deal with the break up and how to be friends! If a therapist could have witnessed it, they would have had an orgasm. It was the best break up ever, people write books saying what to hope for. WE HAD IT. The only other relationship that I saw that was as healthy as ours was...that's right. I couldn't name anyone. Neither could he. Then we named our parents. So great, the only other relationship we can compare ours to is to our parents, who have been happily married for 25 years a piece.

It's just fucking stupid. I want my boyfriend back. I want my best friend back. I want my lover back. I want my confidante back. I want MY Brian, and I want him now. Bad things should not happen to good people who work hard to be good people. I hurt. I hurt because he hurts. I hurt because he's hurting, and I'm not there to comfort and support him. He's feeling the same way. It is just completely unfair that two good people who had a good relationship have to feel so much pain. I fucking hate this.

Oh journaling. I realize that this is a time for me to take care of me. I need to learn to be more forward when I need help and support. I need to stop taking care of everyone else's needs before mine. I need to figure out what I'm doing in my life, where I want to live, where I want to work. Granted, I don't graduate til December 2009, but for some reason this seems like a good time to think of these things. Brian and I need this time apart. It will be good for both of us.

Stage Three- Bargaining: Okay. I realize we have to be alone. We both know it's right. In fact, there have been three absolutes complete with gut feelings in my relationship. The first was when I knew I fell in love with him. The second was when I realized we need this time apart. Now this third one is a bit tricky....I feel like I am supposed to end up with him. Not this semester. Maybe not this year. But for some reason, I just feel that he's the one I'm supposed to be with. What if I lose him? Logic dictates that it wasn't meant to be then. But I can't deal with that. I can't deal with being out of control. I make lists for everything, I chart out my day by the hour, I get panic attacks when I lose my planner. I get sick to my stomach when I'm lost- for god's sake, I have to be in control.

So now I'm realizing that I'm looking forward to being by myself. I'm going to learn a lot, and I'm going to grow up a lot. One of those ah-ha! moments that everyone gets in life. But part of me is happy because I'll be a better person...a better girlfriend. But only to Brian. I see this as a necessary step for the continuation of our relationship. I find quotes:

"To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship"
-Domenico Estrada

"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens- the main thing is not to hurry . Nothing good gets away"
-John Steinbeck

These quotes are perfect! Obviously they're true! It's fate, everything is going to be okay. I can do this, I can do this. I assume I'm in the bargaining phase now. I better myself as a person, which means I become a better girlfriend to Brian. I just need to accomplish it, and it'll take time, but it'll be okay. I know I'm killing myself slowly thinking this way. But shit, if there are five stages of grief agreed upon worldwide by educated people, who am I to disregard one of those stages? I know I'm freaking awesome and important, but even my head isn't big enough to think I can bypass those particular rules. It would be like me saying gravity is dumb and doesn't exist.

I hurt. A lot. But I'm dealing with it in the healthiest ways possible. I guess it's the only thing I can control about the situation. Go to the therapist. Confide in friends. Talk to my parents every day. Journal. Put all pictures, jewelry, letters, flowers and any reminders of Brian in a box, a box not to be opened until I'm ready. Try to laugh. Try to keep a routine. Keep taking my Prozac. It's really all I can do.

I'm counting the days, in more ways than one. But I am counting until I can come home and see everyone, and I think that's the most positive counting I can do right now. (On a side note, I am so not looking forward to doing College Algebra next semester.) I'll be home on Friday. I'm going to send out a reminder on Facebook for people to start getting back on this thing- it's time we reconnected and starting discovering each other again. And hey, now we can go to bars- we don't have to always go to Amanda's! I'm sure she'll be very happy about that.

So I'm sitting at work, doing nothing in particular. I just decided to peak at Marker Splotches, to see if anyone still faithfully writes messages. I have always sucked at this sort of thing. Several of you know that about me--I'm pretty bad at corresponding, at keeping in touch with people. It's not that I don't care or that I've forgotten anyone. The truth is that sometimes I really don't feel like talking on the phone or sitting at the computer messaging with people. It just feels like such a drain of energy. I guess I am lazy. Phil (my boyfriend for over 2.5 years, gah! More commentary on that, shortly) finds it strange the way that I am with friends. He knows that every once in a while I purposely avoid answering the phone if I don't feel like talking, and then I feel terrible about it later (although I have to say, I've gotten better about this. If I don't feel like chatting for long, I'll answer to say hi, and then call again later) I worry that people feel neglected, that I don't do enough to earn continued friendship. I worry that people feel I've jilted them, so I must not be worth the effort to be friends with. Cause I imagine it sucks to be on the side of a friendship where you are constantly giving, where you make all the effort. I really appreciate my friends who know me, accept me, and are always willing to pick back up where we left off, even if it feels like it's been a lifetime. Sometimes it can be hard, because we have changed independently of each other. But when you really know the core of someone, the trimmings don't really matter. Basically, thanks for the patience.

That said, I guess I'd like to post an update too.

I work at a place called the Deutsches Haus, which sounds really cool because I can refer to it as a "German language and cultural institute, with lectures and film and gallery openings" blah blah blah, but I just work at the front desk. It's basically 30 hours a week of reception and office work, if anything. But you know, I do like it a lot, because I am constantly surrounded by native German speakers, so it feels like practice. My spoken German kind of sucks now, but I can eavesdrop really well, and all the office drama is fun. Other than two male teachers, the entire faculty and administrative staff just happens to be female. So I have a great time talking to my bosses about boyfriends and family, and we all share a great love for chocolate. Heh, maybe it just reminds me of my all-girl days at Nerinx. I feel like part of a cool clique.

I have also earned a bit of money working for one of my linguistics professors. Basically, I was told I could earn $16/hour up to a maximum of $1000 for doing database work, and that I would work from home or any computer I chose. Now that is a pretty awesome arrangement, but imagine how hard it is sit yourself down at a computer to rewrite a database about grammar, when your latest Netflix, a good novel, and your boyfriend are all waiting to be enjoyed. It's kinda tough. So I have come to terms with the fact that I finished about half of the grant money, and that's the best I can do for now.

As far as living situations go, I'd say I have it pretty good. I live at the corner of 13th St. and Avenue B, in the East Village, over an over-priced but tasty coffee shop, in a three-bedroom apartment with only a minor roach problem (don't worry, if you ever want to visit, the bugs are under control for now :). My two friends and I have a year-long lease that's up after graduation, at the end of May. One of the girls, Ryan, was my roommate freshman and sophomore year. For Junior year, she was abroad in the fall, and I went away in the Spring, so when she moves in this month, it will be the first time I have seen her in year. She is a music business major, a pretty wicked bassist, only 5 ft. tall, and really quite funny. She is subletting to our friend Kat for the summer. My other full-time roomie is Becca, who Ryan actually knew from high school and introduced to me freshman year. She's so relaxed and great to talk to about everything from 80's films and indie music to middle eastern politics. We get along well.

So Phil and I have been together since January of freshman year, with a few minor hiccups along the way. And by minor hiccups, I mean that I have broken up with him a couple times, much to his dismay, which I apparently shared, because we have always gotten back together. The latest break-up, or as we called it at the time, our "break," happened during the spring semester while we were both abroad. He was studying in Florence, Italy, and I was in Cairo, Egypt. We were only a couple time zones apart, but the distance often felt impassable. It was funny, because we had always concluded that Phil had more of a problem with long distance than I did. He had always been anxious at the prospect of being apart, because with the physical distance, even if you really care about each other, it's not like you can just go on dates and have a normal relationship. As it turns out, though, I was the one freaked out and decided I couldn't deal with it. I felt so torn, wanting to expend all my energy exploring and coping with life in Cairo with all my new friends there, while desperately wanting to seek out Phil and feel something secure and comforting. There was drama, involving me dating another guy and Phil sneaking a peak at some of my personal stuff (heh, I can make it sound so scandalous). But the conclusion has always been that I feel happy when I'm with Phil, and when I'm not I miss him. We always have things to work on: making sure we spend enough time with other friends (whether we share them mutually or have our own groups), satisfying our own personal interests and goals, coming up with fun new things to do together, having better sex ;)...I always have lots of insecurities (heh, I have commitment issues), because it freaks me out to have been with someone for so long. But at the same time, it would be foolish to call it quits just on that principle. I can still be a independent person and be in a relationship.

Blah, you might notice that I can ramble on about that forever. I can. And I'm almost done. But I just wanted to say that Phil gave me this pretty little necklace for Christmas a couple years ago, and I used to wear it all the time, and we both really liked it. And then I lost it, and I was super bummed, and I think Phil was pretty disappointed. Well last week, I found it in an old bag of mind, and I have it now while I sit at work...Sorry, that story feels so cheesy. But I was glad to have it back, whether or not fate was dropping less than subtle hints. Plus, it matches my shirt nicely :)

In terms of friends, I miss everyone from St. Louis. When I got back from Egypt, I was only able to spend 10 days at home. It was amazing to see Carolyn and Sarah and Dave and Clayton and Nick. Plus, it was kind of fun to sample the nightlife, since we were all 21. It may not be much, and it may not be open late, but it was fun. Besides, when all else fails, East Saint Louis is certainly open late. That's right, I went to my first strip club. I had no idea the girls would be so hands-on...! Anyway, the conclusion is, I miss you guys a lot. I feel a certain comfort and ease with you guys that can be hard to come by. It seems a shame, I actually made some amazing new friends in Egypt. I think that the foreign, whirlwind situation acted like a catalyst to make us fast friends. They are definitely some of the best friends I've made at college, and they all go to other schools.

Well, I have plenty more fuel and could theoretically keep typing for quite some time. But I am going to use the excuse that technically, I am at work, so I should get back. (Actually, I'm just going to read a novel for a bit, but eventually I may have some actual work to do...)

Big big hugs to all of you. Like, the Carolyn-knocks-you-over, Dave-stands-solemnly, Amanda-feels-you-up, Katie-wiggles kind of hug. <3

More Birthday Fun

So thanks to everyone who came out for my birthday I have a really fun time. Guess what I got for my birthday? A new laptop since my old one has been broken for like a year. It is so cute its green and I bought a pink mouse to go with it. We have been inseparable for three days now (I got it three days ago). Here are some pictures to help you see how cool it is: (mine is the green one on top).

It has a HUGE 17 inch screen and its got 4 gb of memory and its really fast and awesome. All the shows I watch and games I play are in like high def they are so clear. Well I hope you are all GREEN with jealousy now (get it?). Hope to hear from everyone else soon.

PARTAY~

Hey guys my 21st is coming up soon (July 30th for those of you who don't know). I have not done anything for my birthday since my 15th birthday besides going out to eat. I am so tired of just going out to eat and since it's my 21st I want to do something fun. So my birthday is on a wednesday and I want to go out to clubs and bars all night and get drunk. Then the weekend after (Friday, August 1st - Sunday, August 3rd) I want to go on a float trip and then go camping. I looked at the prices, campsites are only like $7 dollars a site, and then raft rentals would be $20-$30 dollars per person. I would really love if everyone would come. I am telling everyone early so in case you need to take off work you can. So let me know who's interested. Please help me make my 21st the first memorable birthday I have had in like 5 years.