You All Will Definately Hate Me After This But...
I am sick of pretending to feel certain ways so not to offend anyone. Basically here is how everything is for me. I love certain aspects of Truman. But one of the biggest problems is how I knew so many people when I got here. Ever since senior year when a bunch of shit went down I have pretended like the way you guys treated me doesn't bug me anymore. Maybe I was wrong for asking so much as a phone call or invitation but even if I was if I was your friend wouldn't you guys just want to make me happy?
Basically I want to leave Truman because I want to meet new people. I don't want to be stuck in this group anymore where I don't connect with anyone at all, I don't feel welcome, and I don't feel like anyone gives two shits about me. It is really hard to do that when you go to college with all your friends and don't get the opportunity really to meet new people. I guess I had the opportunity it is just hard because so many of our friends are here at Truman.
That's not the only reason and it's certainly not the most important reason. But I just felt like I had to get that off my chest. It is hard for me to move on. I check this blog and write on it all the time. I don't know if I'm ready to give up being able to communicate with everyone over the blog.
I've been waiting and waiting to move on and the time has finally come for me to have the opportunity to start new (I barely know anyone at SLU) and leave my comfort zone but I am scared. I'm making a transition between schools and friends and a lot of other aspects of my life. I just don't feel ready yet. I guess if it doesn't happen now it will never happen.
posted by Reine @ 2:18 AM
11 Comments:
i don't hate you. i'm just sorry that you don't feel welcome when you should know that we (or at least i) love you. i didn't spend my last semester of senior year with you 24/7 just because you happened to also be doing lights. now that i've exhausted my ability to be sentimental, i'm gonna make fun of my roommate
Laura, I hope you don't think that the fact that I don't call you means that I don't care that you exist. The other night in your lounge, it felt sooo nice to just sit around with everyone and talk about nothing. I'm relaxed around you in a way that's very rare for me. With most people, I feel so - externally related - that I don't talk to them and I don't call them and I don't really do anything in particular to make them happy. I know this isn't comforting, but I just want to let you know that the fact that I don't call you means absolutely nothing. Because I'm basically a nothing friend.
[well, there is one person in the world that I talk to and that's Luke. It's a bit of a fluke (ha - luke the fluke). I'm both grateful to finally know what a real friendship is and embarrassed that I never risked myself enough to have this earlier.]
hovis-you are amazing and i love you...but if you don't feel like you belong here than by all means...you should meet new people...
amanda-your sentimentality cracks my shit up...
jax-you crack me up as well... the way you explain things is completely unorthodox...
hovis again-i totally hear you on the college-where-everyone-and-their-mother-goes-to...maybe i don't relate (being by myself out here in bumfuck colorado) but i hear ya...that is like the main reason why i'm out here...everyone asks me that question and really what it comes down to is i love you guys so fuckin much that i knew that going to college with you all i was just going to fuck it up and it would ruin a lot or change a lot and i didn't want that...and now a lot of people are all worried about going home for the summer and finding out that things have changed but basically i know everything has changed...i'm just hopin that we can go home and all grow closer again (if we so choose)...and hovis, another thing...the beauty about going to a school where very few people go is that your relationship with everyone is very similar...daily communication is not necessary...you can easily catch up with everyone when you do reunite and hang out..even if you haven't talked to them in months...basically i'm just looking forward to seeing everyone (including you, hovis) this summer and catching up and trading stories and remembering good times...that is all...sorry for the obnoxious length...
laura, even i don't hate you, and we certainly haven't had the best relationship in the world nor are we particularly close. and snaps to carolyn for saying it, but sometimes you need to to just move on. if we are not fulfilling your needs as friends, perhaps it is time that you looked for a group of people who could. for your own sake.
but that doesn't mean you have to let go of this group of friends completely either. it just means that you find a more fulfilling group for yourself. and i think everyone would back me up on this, but you will always have this group here for you, whether you like it or not. i wish you luck and i wish you the best. i really do hope to see you at some point over the summer too though. you play a role in our group that would be empty without you.
laura, i just wanted to say you smell like a fart and somepeople are jealous of that, i mean, you just got it going on.... Some people will just naturally tend to unfairly avoid or flat out not understand your flatulance based on that singular quality, but trust me i do.
wait... that's me that smells like fart? Your the one that smells good? Damn, i always mix that up.
is anyone else creeped out by this weird group identity that we're all "friends"? it's not true. i don't think it's helpful to say that we all love each other and would be there for each other, when there are many of us who would not talk to each other at a party and would only be obligated to say hello if passing each other in the hall.
i've written 15 different conclusions to this in the last half hour. basically, pretend friends are worse than none at all.
god, how confusing it is to need people.
I'm not so much saying I want to not talk to you guys anymore as I'm saying I feel like I've grown apart and looking back I don't know how well I ever really fit it. I want to hang out with you guys this summer and stuff but I just need to find those people who I feel I really fit in with you know?
I 100% agree with you Jax.
and Tom...why are you such a weirdo? I don't get it.
the truth finally comes out. dun-duh, duh!! thanks for saying it out loud, jack. you inspire me.
laura, i think you should see who you want to see. be friends who you want to be friends with. keep in touch with who you want to keep in touch with. that's what i've been doing since. find out who your real friends are and stick with them.
jax snaps to you. i didn't want to post. thanks for doing it for me.
Laura, if i'm a weirdo than your exotically bizarre
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